The Public Trial of the Performatively Positive Male

POV you're in a worst human ever competition and your opponent is a "5-9 before my 9-5" Chad from Austin

recently theres been a lot of hubbub and general crashouttery about the looksmaxxers and their effect on the general male population. you really cant even go online these days without being peddled some new clip from clavicular asking some huzz if she’s “byherselfmaxxing” or some giga chad telling his mom he needs to be 300lbs LEAN and that itll be useful to her bc she can then tell her friends abt her “genetically modified gorilla child”. these clips then create a whole bunch of discourse from social justice warriors and terminally online snowflakes who opine about the perceived negative effect this is having on the world. couldnt be me

this guys so fucking funny. like imagine being a boulder and being like “wait i need to become more boulder-like just to prove that i can”. such a funny mindset. but even the 300 pound genetically modified gorilla ltrly says in his other content that you should not emulate his behavior. which like really shouldnt be something he has to say but i digress anyway.

i personally think all this shit is hilarious and ultimately a net positive bc i have a brain and can discern what i digest as useful information i should model myself after vs stimulus that is essentially tantamount to entertainment. Most of the looksmaxxing stuff falls in the latter for me and should for most ppl unless you are looking to make money off looksmaxxing.

unfortunately to the average person (moron), the looksmaxxing tomfoolery is akin to the coming of the antichrist. they legit cant fathom why an autistic 19 yr old would go to such extreme lengths to look better because they’ve been conditioned to just coast thru life being told what to do and never actually commit themselves 100% to anything. so ppl like clav bother them on a spiritual level. they just dont understand what it means to believe something with every fiber of your being and then act on it.

these ppl have been programmed to be angry at the wrong thing. what i’ll be discussing in this piece (after an unnecessarily long intro) is that the antichrist isnt the looksmaxxers. its actually the “5-9 before my 9-5!” man children who are the problem. its these performative goy beings with no semblance of a real personality who jump on the internet and shield themselves behind “positivity” to indulge their own inflated sense of self that we need to focus our outrage on.

its jack nau nau, chase ridgeway, anthony gross, and the biggest wolf in sheep’s clothing, noah rolette, who we need to be hating on. these are the people who should be stopped. leave the looksmaxxers who smash their own faces and are test dummies for chinese research chemicals alone. we need those people to be the jesters they are and to test the limits of man. as a society we need to shift focus how we can eliminate the performatively positive male.

sometimes i make the mistake of assuming everyone else is in the same sections of the internet as i am (really not my mistake tbh, some of u just dont know ball). so im gonna dive into the characters above so you can understand what im talking about and understand how evil and detrimental to our world they are. the main gist of their videos always revolves around exercising and being in shape and being positive and stupid shit like that in what is ultimately a roundabout way of getting attention and then bitches

Jack Nau Nau

Jack nau nau is probably the most widely known performativemaxxer in the scene so imma start with him. he’s the best at what he does. you could call him the Michael Jordan of being performatively postive. and some of you may be surprised by this, but hes actually the one that i dislike the least.

jacks prob not the first mf to do a morning w me vid; but hes the first mf i saw who does these types of videos. im also p sure he’s the one who pioneered hitting them folks and hitting the nae nae in the videos which is adjacent to oppenhimmy creating the nuclear bomb in its affect on the world. he films the classic vids where he does his random morning routine bullshit like eating a protein bar and running 8 miles while high fiving everyone he sees in the streets.

this is a stereotypical JNN post right here. ltrly nothing going on other then doing health shit and dancing and then hitting u with the “match my vibe or scroll” bs to make u feel bad if u cringed while watching him do his whole humiliation ritual

the reason i think hes the least insufferable is bc his whole schtick blurs the line of being performative and genuine. like i just really think that dude is actually that annoying in real life. its like the performative positivity has taken over every fiber of his being and now thats just what he is now.

you can tell by peoples responses to him that they feel it as well. he has the best reactions from the randos he interacts with in his videos bc they arent able to see thru the veil hes got set up. bc its lowk not a veil anymore. it has fused into his face and now thats just what he is. annoying and positive at all times and so outgoing that hes gonna force u to acknowledge what hes become.

i just cant say the same for the other people i’ll be going over. everyone else the shtick feels forced to varying degrees. some of them can hide the inauthentic nature of their performative hijinx better than others but Jack Nau nau is like a shapeshifter. he has become the amalgamation of commercially viable positivity. it’s like if deloitte designed a human. very eerie but impressive nonetheless

the one chink in his armor comes with his whole “stop gooning” gimmick. now im not saying this bc i think gooning is sick. i think porn is a scourge on our society and the ones pushing it to our society should be rounded up and put in mr beast camps. thats a convo for another day tho. the reason the whole stop gooning thing is weird to me is bc it indicates that jack nau nau definitely was/potentially still is super addicted to stroking his shi. like thats the only reason that hed be so adamant to shout “stop gooning” in so many videos where the main message has nothing really to do with self mutilation

the video this is attached to is ltrtly just him going on a run and then throwing platitudes into the camera that basically just insinuate that if ur not up at 5 am to go work out and be a performative NPC ur a loser. theres no reason to throw in a “stop gooning”

its like if u met a guy and every convo u had with him would always somehow go back to him saying something like “dont ever try to suck a horses dick”. youd assume that he at some point tried to suck a horses dick and it went at least somewhat poorly for him. same shit applies to jack nau nau and his obsession with eradicating gooning.

this is by far the funniest shit bro has done tho. like i die laughing everytime i watch this dude start out in a fuckin peter millar polo and then slowly assemble his “wigger” (shoutout chet hanx for reclaiming that one) outfit to go to the lil baby show. like it starts out normal and then just gets more and more insane.

the white long sleeve is whatever, the black dickies are a bit overplayed but hes not a fashion guy so whatever. then he goes NUCLEAR with the gunna t shirt. which is so good bc this was during the peak of gunna and lil baby beefing. and bro was like “ya this shits hard everyones gonna love this one”. im p sure he saw the comments and ended up changing out of it which is probably good for preventing bodily harm from coming his way in a city thats as fucking close to a GTA server as u can get. quick side story: my friend was in a bar in atlanta once and they played freestyle by lil baby (banger) and he almost got his ass beat bc he didnt stand up at attention for it. like he was just sitting down minding his own business and these guys were pressed to the point where it almost got physical bc my bro didnt treat it like the fucking national anthem. Back to jack tho, he finishes the fit with a gigantorish fitted hat and jordans. so good. no notes

Chase Ridgeway

this guys like the second most popular positivity peddler after our glorious king jack nau nau. chase basically fits the same mold as jack NN so theres really not much else to say abt him. he’s like moderately less social and less natural in everything that he does so his content is a bit more awkward to consume but its basically the same shit. he does the “good morning good morning good morning” homoerotic rigamarole too but i think he nae naes and hits the whip less. just gonna drop some of his fye below so yall can consume

basically the same shit as jack nau. chase’s physique may be a little more chiseled? but he doesnt have a stacy that runs w him so he loses points there. biggest thing i notice is that his high 5 gimmick doesnt work as well as nau nau’s and that lowkirk proves my point above

Anthony Gross

ohhhhhhh my goddddddddd this guys so awful man. his beady little soulless eyes stare into the camera yearning and longing for even the smallest little morsel of approval from the masses. its so transparent that he just wants to be liked by people and hes never once felt like he was actually wanted by society.

this wanna be energy is palpable in his videos. he clearly just wants to go viral and will try/do anything to reach that goal. the problem is that bc he has no real personality other than being annoying his shit just doesnt perform as well. and its due to the fact that ppl can consciously or subconsciously identify how ingenuine of a person he is and so they just dont engage w his shit as much as a jack nau nau or chase ridgemid. i truly believe that he has become so content brained that he has completely lost what it is that makes someone human and thats his biggest roadblock to actually achieving his goals. a real catch 22

i hope one day you find fulfillment bc i can tell in ur dead eyes that you know no rest at this current time

obviously when hes looking for a restaurant to go eat he just picks whatever is most viral on tiktok. ltrly makes me wanna spiral. another reason why new york sucks now. everyone is making every single decision on what to do based on whatever is blowing up on social media. like u should never wait in line to get a fucking bagel w a schmear just bc paige pepperidge on tiktok said that its the best thing ever. ltrly grow brain cells and be better

i mean this is just a homoerotic masterpiece. if i had known this glaze house was happening, i deadass wouldve tried to get invited just so i could kill myself in front of them and forever change their bond and the trajectory of their lives

this is when he quit his job bc he couldnt handle cold calling and then was spiraling for a brief min so he was making all these sad reels to engagement farm his way out the trenches

this is when he was doing a bunch of stupid ass reels showing himself jestermaxxing in the past and then cutting to himself seriousmaxxing in the present. as a way to show his growth and transformation i guess. he looks like a down syndrome kid in both eras of his life so if i was him id at least try to escape that by being fucked up like in the first vid but thats just me

thats a huge motif in his content too that really aggravates me. he has a huge superiority complex bc he doesnt go out and bev or geek and its like dude u ltlry just make reels on the internet. u can be hung ched bomb and do so. the bigjohngolfs guy ltrly enters yodieland and bevmaxxes every single day and is lapping u on follower count. so ur larping as if ur just locking when in reality u just got no bitches on ur dick. i see thru ur bullshit bro ur not fooling me

Noah Rolette

this ones like lowkirk a little out of left field if you dont know ball abt this whole subset of man but trust me noah Rolette is a demon sent to destroy our society from within. the reason he in particular sucks so hard is because hes done the unthinkable: hes taken two different versions of the performative male and combined them into one giga douchebag possessing levels of superficiality that were once only considered as possible in a theoretical sense.

the reason this mf sucks the most is bc he took the teachings of jack nau nau and used that as a foundation of his bullshit persona. he then added the bushwick patchwork tattoo and vintage wearing manlet to that foundation to create the abomination that we see today.

“ooooh look at me im in great shape and have a 6 pack but wait i smoke cigs and weed so theres some edge to me too but wait again i drive a big truck that i drive but WAIT AGAIN I ALSO HAVE THESE STUPID ASS TATTOOS THAT LOOK LIKE THEY WERE DRAWN BY THE LIGHT OF A CAMPFIRE ON THE OREGON TRAIL”. and after all that he finally has a rocket gf too. fuck u dude some of us got this shit out the mud. some of us pulled rockets while being skinny fat and armed with nothing but a silver tongue and an addiction to stimulants. would love to see u try to do that shit pussy

the worst thing about noah rolette tho is the fact that hes allegedly a fucking deadbeat dad. which is something that it seems he is trying to hide at all costs. he posts all this bullshit content about his life and everything he does and never mentions the fact or shows that he ltrly has a child who wouldnt be able to pick him out of a police lineup. like between posting about why his current gf (not his baby momma) is a huge idiot dummy who cant control her emotions and posting a thirst trap of him being performative on the stairmaster, youd think he could post like a happy bday for his kid or some shit. but no he has to show off his abs instead. whatever man. other ppl may not see thru ur facade but i do and i think that u can be better as a man. thats all

this tricks so many ppl. mf is hiding behind a fake whimsy and playful demeanor when in reality he just wants u to think hes cool and different.

this ones so funny. basically he just rambles for two minutes about he’s so stoic and so good at life and how hes cracked the code to responding to a negative thing that happened to him. he then goes onto to detail how his girlfriend, rocket, fucking sucks shit at dealing with these things. the entire vid is him just posturing about how hes better than his gf which is just such a funny thing to record and then subsequently post on the internet to hundreds of thousands of ppl

kinda the same as the video above. “oooh look at how nonchalant and carefree i am while my girlfriend (massive naggy bitch) just doesnt get it lol”. like. idk how ppl see this content and dont think that this guys a massive piece of shit who clearly thinks hes better than everyone including his super hot gf

just a thirst trap here which like if u wanna be that guy go for it but again, you have a gf and a child that doesnt know what u look like. i guess in theory the kid can look at this tho

The impersonators

I hate this whole archetype of man a lot as you can probably tell by the fact that i’ve spent a few hours of my time angrily typing away ~3500 words, but the saddest part abt this being a thing is the people who try to impersonate the aforementioned dickheads. just look at these examples of some poor mfs who think they can just emulate the people above and reap the same success. thats just not how it works; they look so ridiculous i genuinely cannot believe that they watched these videos back and were like “ya dih bih gah lets throw it up on the gram”. prepare ur eyes bc the shit before has at least had some redeeming qualities but whats coming up is some hot ass

i mean this is just so horrible. this poor guy got oneshotted to publicly participate into this humiliation ritual not realizing that he has no real ability to create what the people above have created. fuckin turkish quandale dingle is a more talented dancer than bro. he has no gravitas and then stops the music halfway thru to preach at u in a fucking exaggerated ass inflection and tell u to be better. mf how abt u get better? im looking at ur life and im like this shit looks ass bro. u dress like shit, u dont go to a fire gym w hot huzz everywhere, ur hair sucks, and u def get no bitches. why would i listen to u?

just another humiliation ritual. still dressed like shit. shades look stupid. and ur preaching to me again? mfs asking me what have i done to go grow closer to god? what about u dude? ur posting online to get the approval of others. which is ltrly some shit the bible says somewhere not to do im p sure. SHUT UP

all of these guys think its so sick to just posture abt how theyre active and dont take breaks. fuckin even god rested on the 7th day. u dont have to fucking hit the nae nae and cold plunge everyday i promise u can do bag and veg out sometimes. itll be ok

these people are insane. like could not imagine seeing them out in the wild. its deadass another situation where i think self immolating in front of them is the only course of action. again its a clear course of action where theyre trying to do whatever they can to go viral. theyre like a year late on the ashton hall shtick and obv werent able to think of anything original to add to it to make it humorous so it just doesnt hit. and then theyre doing this fucking stupid ass “shwoo!” thing which i can only assume they’re trying to make a signature that ppl recognize them by. a la jack nau nau hitting them folks with the ferocity of a category 5 hurricane. but jack nau nau looks somewhat coordinated and normal and not like someone youd pepper spray. meanwhile these guys look like jehovahs witness who are showing up to ruin your day. 0/10 all around

some closing thoughts

i really hate that this is my longest piece of work i’ve written for this stupid website. but like someone had to do it fr. unfortunately that someone had to be me bc no one else is willing to stand up to these positivity bullies. and thats really the sentiment that i want to push here at the end and leave u guys with. the thing that annoys me the most abt these insufferable fuckwads isnt the fact that that theyre doing the whole internet thing where theyre putting themselves out there in hopes of gaining recognition and monetary rewards. thats fine whatever do ur thing. the problem i find is that theyre positioning their content in a way that cant be criticized. bc if u do u just get labeled a “hater" or ur not “matching their vibes” or “you just hate them bc theyre happy”. they wear this whole schtick of performative positivity like its a bullet proof vest. meanwhile the mfs in question are literally porn addicts, or soulless content farms, or just a mf who hates his hot girlfriend and doesnt talk to his own kid. and im the bad guy? fuck u

-R