New York is dying and I'm here to fix it
you're welcome in advance
Theres been a lot of chatter and doomerism about New York this past year mainly because a brown boy has been tryna get it poppin and a bunch of white collar mfs including Bill Ackman have been rallying against the boy. Early sidenote: if you ever find urself on the same side of an issue as bill ackman you should really rethink your position bc that mf is seriously a moron.
but ya there was a bunch of bullshit abt how if zohran got elected then new york was doomed and would implode upon itself and enact sharia law and that all the big companies and billionaires would leave and never come back and nyc would basically just be mogadishu 2.0. none of that has happened obviously. which like anyone with a brain could’ve told u that but no one has any sense of critical thinking anymore so they couldnt discern this.
if companies made their decisions on where to do business/billionaires chose where to live solely based upon taxes or and all that other shit then fucking north dakota would be the financial capital of the country. or they’d just go to bermdua. but no they still live in new york because there’s something beyond that holding them there. thats why i thought all those ppl were just being so dickheadish for no reason. like u chose to support and vote for a sex offender over mamdani bc of a doomsday scenario that you could’ve IDed as bullshit if u put any rational thought into it.
i dont even agree with all of zohrans shit and his mom being in the Big Stein files is #notgood (lowkirk i think he’s an asset) but like cuomo was a sex offender and criminal and sliwa is a cartoon character.
long intro aside new york is actually dying but not for the reasons that everyone has been harping upon the past year or so. the reason its dying is nuanced and ill prob do a longer article abt it but basically its just not as cool anymore. 85% of people who move there are moving there just to say they live in the city and larp as a new yorker while working a fake job and going out to downtown social. they arent actually experiencing what makes new york a goated city. they’re just doing the same shit they did at whatever mid city they came from but doing it in new york instead. its literally all a larp.
The poster child for what im talking about is the west village girlie. Brock Colyar did a thinkpiece on this last may (i didnt read this obviously bc it was paywalled but i saw it and assumed what was in it). I’ll link it below bc i imagine it probably expands on some of the things that i’ve noticed as well.
The problem is that all these ppl just wanna live in new york for no reason other than the fact they wanna say they live there. and it becomes the most important part of their personality but they dont actually spend any time or effort developing beyond that. they dont leave manhatten. they just go to blank street and whatever restaurants the influencer ppl hype up. the life they live they could literally do in charlotte. they just that since every other huzz is doing it that means they have to as well. its a huge groupthink psyopp.
now living in new york is super expensive obv and a lot of these people have no skills to get a high paying job that will actually allow them to live in the willage (and they refuse to live in a cheaper area like brooklyn bc theyre above that obv) so their parents just pay for their rent. which drives up rent prices and has led to willage becoming what it is today which is just a gentrified area w no real culture other than having fire huzz all around (this is a super tough part of the article for me to write bc i fuckin love tridelts as u all know, but this issue is bigger than all of us).
I, being the benevolent problem solver that i am, have a solution to fix all this tho. if i was elected mayor of new york city, this would deadass be the first thing that i would do. i wont give a fuck abt the budget, taxes, roads, tolls, water quality, gangs, immigration, aids, etc until we get this one thing taken care of.
Quite literally all you need to do to get nyc back on track is to just make it illegal for anyone to move into the city unless they have a job that pays them enough to cover their rent THEMSELVES. its that simple. your dad in scottsdale cannot help you pay for your apartment. you have to pay for that shit yourself.
this takes care of pretty much all the larpers with no desire to engage in the culture of nyc from moving there. it also brings down the cost of living naturally instead of having to do some soviet union style rent freeze. the cost of everything comes down honestly. if theres a dearth of willagejacent huzz or bushwick drugmaxxers who have no job but whose parents work for lockheed martin who will happily pay $16 for a mocha goyboy soymaxxed latte, then mfs will have to start charging less to the real mfs who hold that shit down n actually put on for the city.
this will bring balance back to the city. if u can find a job that pays u well enough to live in the city then u get a pass. u may not be the most cultured mf if ur working for morgan stanley but hey at least u are producing money for the economy and your output is to the extent that i, as mayor, can excuse your lack of swag bc u make hella bread. its all about balance.
now there’ll be some exceptions to this rule obviously because its uncouth to put out rigid rules like this and not have any flexibility on it. that flexibility will be decided by me and my team of ball knowers (my cabinet) but basically it’ll work as follows
if you grew up in the city you’re exempt from this. if youre a new york socialite who works a fake job and your parents wanna pay for you to move from UES to nolita so you can live there thats fine. you’re grandfathered in basically
if you didnt grow up in the city and dont have the willingness or ability to find a real job to pay for yourself there’s still hope! lets say, for example, you’re the daughter of a russian oligarch who wears a ton of chrome hearts and CCP and you wanna be hot and live in new york and maybe work a fake job in fashion or something. this is how you’d do it. your family would pay a yearly fee of 5x your annualized rent to the city and you can be hot in the city! Yayyyyyy everyone wins
lets say you’re the daughter of a family who sold an hvac company to a PE company in indiana and you wanna move to NYC and cant get a job for whatever reason. You dont wear chrome though; you wear zara and princess polly exclusively. you can still do it, you just have to pay 50x your annualized rent to the city. honestly i dont even know if this is worth it from my office’s perspective but we’ll try it out first year and see if it works out. may have to just scrap this one tho.
last one, lets say you’re a dude with patchwork tattoos who’s from south carolina and no ones ever fucking understood u from ur stupid hometown so u wanna move to brooklyn so u can wear vintage carhartt and be performative there with people who get u. if, due to the fact that you are a useless human, you cant find a real job to support u and you need your dad to use his bread from being a boeing executive to pay for your apartment, youre cooked. full stop. brooklyns cheap. figure it the fuck out.
also now that im thinking about it service jobs should probably only be for native new yorkers as well. if you’re moving into the city to work at cravath thats fine. but really theres no reason you should be moving to new york and working at a bar just so u can make enough money to larp. but i think for now if u wanna move and thug it out i’ll probably allow it. but i need to flesh this idea out more. theoretically if u wanna go to nyc and work service to chase your dreams i think im ok with it. as long as i deem your dream is worthy to be chased. and yes i am the one that will determine that not u.
This is step one to turning NYC around. Will genuinely fix so many of the issues right off the bat and solidify new york as the aura mecca again. society doesnt want mfs who are afraid of leaving manhattan; they want more mfs like pink cardigan and newyorkturk.
-R
You swing wildly between hatred and apathy and somehow come across as both approachable and extremely narcissistic. The whole thing reads like an op-ed written by someone who is deeply annoyed to be here and fully convinced he should be in charge of everything. I will read anything you publish.
Low-key this is the kind of political commentary. I need in my life. This had me rolling multiple times. I was rolling on the ground just dying laughing. Dude I don’t even live in New York. I don’t even have skin in the game, but I have to stay updated on what’s going on in the world and I feel so much more updated now.